Today is always a tough day for me. It is the due date we were given with our first pregnancy. I was only five weeks along when we miscarried, but I knew in my heart the second we found out we were pregnant that we were having a boy. When I was going through the healing, a pastor that was helping me through encouraged me to name him. Darin and I came together and chose the name Ezra.
Ezra is on my heart and mind daily. I never held him, but BOY did I LOVE HIM! He has been such an integral part of my purpose and God’s plan for my life. If I could hold his little hand and tell him thank you today, I would. He changed and continues to change my life.
This week, I released a LOT of things in my life. I realized a few weeks ago that I wasn’t living the mature and responsible life that I always hoped I would as a mother. There have been a lot of areas in my life that have continued this very immature and childish way of living. As I sat down this week, I began to think about ways I would want my life to be had we had Ezra as a three-year-old.
For one, I would hope we would have been in a forever home that was ours and a place for him to grow up in. Two, we would want to be debt free so that we could make sure we had money for college and all of the things he needed as he grew up. Three, that I would be emotionally healthy and stable – that I would handle disappointments and failures a little bit better than what I have. So, I wrote these three things down and I wrote out all the changes that needed to happen in order to give Ezra the good home he deserved and I released the mindset that was keeping me from having that stable and beautiful home for him.
Dear Ezra, I love you. Since the day I lost you, you have continued to grow and challenge me. The very thought of you inspires me to want to be a better wife, future mother and overall better human. Our home is getting in order and I have you to thank. You teach me in ways I can’t even explain. You aren’t here on earth to see your Dad and I make a better life for you, but I hope you are looking down at us and proud of your mama and papa. Everything we do is for you and your siblings! We love you baby boy!