miscarriage

Dear Ezra, I Love You

Today is always a tough day for me. It is the due date we were given with our first  pregnancy. I was only five weeks along when we miscarried, but I knew in my heart the second we found out we were pregnant that we were having a boy. When I was going through the healing, a pastor that was helping  me through encouraged me to name him. Darin and I came together and chose the name Ezra.

Ezra is on my heart and mind daily. I never held him, but BOY did I LOVE HIM! He has been such an integral part of my purpose and God’s plan for my life. If I could hold his little hand and tell him thank you today, I would. He changed and continues to change my life.

This week, I released a LOT of things in my life. I realized a few weeks ago that I wasn’t living the mature and responsible life that I always hoped I would as a mother. There have been a lot of areas in my life that have continued this very immature and childish way of living. As I sat down this week, I began to think about ways I would want my life to be had we had Ezra as a three-year-old.

For one, I would hope we would have been in a forever home that was ours and a place for him to grow up in. Two, we would want to be debt free so that we could make sure we had money for college and all of the things he needed as he grew up. Three, that I would be emotionally healthy and stable – that I would handle disappointments and failures a little bit better than what I have. So, I wrote these three things down and I wrote out all the changes that needed to happen in order to give Ezra the good home he deserved and I released the mindset that was keeping me from having that stable and beautiful home for him.

Dear Ezra, I love you. Since the day I lost you, you have continued to grow and challenge me. The very thought of you inspires me to want to be a better wife, future mother and overall better human. Our home is getting in order and I have you to thank. You teach me in ways I can’t even explain. You aren’t here on earth to see your Dad and I make a better life for you, but I hope you are looking down at us and proud of your mama and papa. Everything we do is for you and your siblings! We love you baby boy!

Love Always,

Mama C

Her Soul Purpose Scholarship

Every so often, I like to give away scholarships for 1:1 coaching with me. I haven't done it in a while, so it's about that time! I'll be giving away FIVE Scholarships for some 1:1 Pregnancy Loss Grief Coaching.

If you, or if you know somebody who has experienced pregnancy loss and could benefit from some 1:1 coaching, please share this link with them. All information remains confidential!

https://fs27.formsite.com/5jcifS/form1/index.html

Embrace Suffering, Embrace God

Suffering is a feeling we don't welcome into our lives very well. Just hearing the word can send shivers down your spine. At least for me it does. Isn't it crazy that the very thing we do not want in our lives, is the very thing that brings us closest to God? 

I learned a long time ago to embrace suffering. No, it isn't welcomed in my world either. Like most people, I despise the feeling of heartbreak and emptiness. I loathe the thought of feeling like my soul is lost in the depth of sorrow and grief. As much as I dislike suffering, I embrace it because suffering pulls me into my Father's arms more powerful than I can even begin to try and understand. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

I embrace it because God is in the midst of all the chaos when my spirit feels shaken, when my world feels turned upside down. He is there. I feel Him. I seek Him. I embrace Him. When we learn to embrace suffering, we begin to embrace more of Him into our space. We allow Him to come in and fill the empty places with His love and peace. In those moments of feeling completely lost and unsure, He is there. 

I remember days where I would wake up completely unsure of what the future would hold. Miscarriage hurt my heart, took away a piece of our family. Even though I carry our baby in my heart, the truth of the matter is that he is not here physically with us. He isn't sharing in the joys of life. He didn't get to move to the Pacific Northwest with us and experience the beauty of nature and a different part of the world. That thought haunts me from time to time, but then God. God steps in, holds my hand and loves me. When suffering starts to creep back in, I embrace God. I lean into Him and remember whose I am. 

Suffering is not the greatest thing in life, I agree. But, when we are called to suffer and grieve, we are called to embrace a God who will never leave us. We are the closest to our Heavenly Father than we will ever be when our grief meets suffering. So, as you cry and miss your child today, embrace Him. He is near you. 

FB_IMG_1530197413371_1530315527261.jpg